The Gospel of Fitness According to Pat
(1) Pat said, “Let him who seeks strength continue to seek until strength is found, or until the game is on.”
Translation: Consistency matters.
(2) Pat said, “Whoever takes the minimalist approach will not experience being fat and sucking.”
Translation: Effectiveness first, efficiency second.
(3) Pat said, “Keep the goal the goal,” quoting Dan John.
(4) And then he said, “What is that smell?”
(5) Pat said, “Be a generalist.”
Translation: Avoid specialization. Become well rounded.
(6) Pat said, “Avoid the dogmatic approach.”
Translation: Listen to me, you idiot!
(7) His disciples questioned him and said to him, “Do you want us to fast? How shall we lift? Shall we give two or three minutes period of rest? What diet shall we observe?”
Pat said, “Do not consume anything but free-range, humanely-treated, gender-neutral cucumbers for forty days and forty nights. This will teach you about veganism, or unhappiness. Never consume beer on an empty stomach. Assist it with a shot of Old Granddad.”
His disciples nodded. Then looked at each other like WTF.
(8) Pat said, “What you eat will not defile you, but too much, and it may cause gas.”
Translation: Easy on the cauliflower.
(9) Pat said, “Blessed is the man or woman who deadlifts 2.5x bodyweight and can run a six minute mile.”
(10) Pat said, “Do not do in thirty minutes what can be done in fifteen.”
(11) His disciples said to Pat, “We know you will depart from us. What scripture have you left us? Who will be our leader?”
Pat said, “First off, who said this? Tell me their name. And contact. Second, my book Paleo Workouts for Dummies, obv. Third, SHOULD anything happen to me, which would be most tremendously the pits, follow Dan John, and grow stronger under thee.”
(12) Pat said to his disciples, “Compare me to someone and tell me whom I am like.”
Disciple 1 said, “You are like the most bodacious person ever.”
Disciple 2 said, “You are like the most sagacious philosopher!”
Disciple 3 said, “You are handsome like the lion and elegant like the dove, and, and…”
Pat said, “OK, good. I mean, it’s a start. We can work with this.”
(13) Pat said, “Lift heavier.”
Translation: Lift heavier.
(14) Pat said, “Practice muscle ups.”
Translation: Practice muscle ups.
(15) The disciples said to Pat, “Tell us what strength is like.”
Pat said, “Strength is like picking a cat up by its tail. Time and consistency of practice are critical to the development of such a skill. But once you have the skill, you can never lose the skill.”
The disciples were amazed.
(16) Pat said, “Love the squat like your soul.”
(17) The disciples said, “How many sets and how many reps?”
Pat said, “For strength lower the reps and higher the sets and weight. For muscle higher the reps and lower the sets and weight. For endurance higher the reps and lower the sets and weight more.”
(18) Pat said, “Eat breakfast or don’t eat breakfast. What do I care?”
(19) Pat said, “No Olympic strength coach is contracted by his hometown middle school sports team; no bestselling author is published in his local newspaper; no mother takes the diet advice of her son.”
(20) Pat said, “Do not be concerned from morning until evening, and from evening until morning, with how much you weigh.
Translation: If you’re fat, you’ll know it.
(21) Pat said, “The best ab exercise is broccoli.”
(22) Pat said, “Take this, all of you, and eat of it. This is the protein that I developed. Grass fed and hormone free.”
He shows the consecrated shaker cup to the people, places it on the alter (bench), and genuflects in adoration.
(23) The disciples turned to him and announced, “Somebody curls in the squat rack.”
(24) Pat wept.
(25) The disciples surrounded him in polka hats and said, “What footwear?”
Pat said, “Barefoot is best. Unless you have strange and hideous feet. Then Inov8.”
(26) Pat said, “There was a man who had much fitness. He said, ‘I shall be fit so that I may live to be ninety.’ Such were his intentions, but that same night he was run over by a pre-owned Acura Legend. Let he who has ears hear.”
(27) His disciples gathered around in mini-skirts, and said, “And what of kipping?”
Pat said, “This is why you wear mini-skirts. Get strong instead.”
(28) Pat said, “Show me the lifts which hotel gyms disallow. These are the ones to practice.”
(29) His disciples, prancing, inquired, “Is Crossfit the way to fitness?”
Pat said, “Is fitness a competition?”
(30) Pat said, “The swing is a hinge, not a squat!”
(31) Pat said, “He who has recognized progressive resistance has found the secret to strength.”
(32) Pat said, “I declare anything over ten reps Zumba!”
(33) His disciples asked, “What shall we do when finished lifting?”
Pat said, “Put your goddamn weights back.”
(34) His disciples asked, “When will you be revealed to us and when shall we see you?”
Pat said, “Bathroom selfie? Thought you’d never ask!”
(35) Pat said, “If a weak man leads a weak man, who will spot?”
(36) His disciples said, “But kettlebells hurt my back!”
Pat said, “Was it kettlebells that hurt your back, or how you used kettlebells that hurt your back?”
(37) His disciples said, “But lifting weights will make you bulky!”
Pat said, “Let he who has eyes see: Do I appear bulky?”
(38) Pat said, “A physique built on strength and mobility cannot suck.”
(39) His disciples, frolicking, inquired, “What is the biggest mistake?”
Pat said, “Many times have you desired to reach your goal through detoxes and quick fixes and gurus. Progress can come only through process. The biggest mistake is a lack of process. The second biggest is a lack of patience.”
(40) Pat said, “If strength came into being because of muscle, it is a wonder. If muscle came into being because of strength, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed I am amazed at how much time is wasted pondering this, and how little acquiring either. ”
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