Everything about child delivery defies the rational mind. Nothing about it can be explained away—how something wide as a behemoth and long as a snake can pass itself through an otherwise short and narrow corridor, it doesn’t make any sense to me. And no, I didn’t look down there. How could I, and still expect to lead a normal life?
What I did was keep my view north of the belt line, but still there was just so much high-pitched squealing and dainty moaning that it was hard to concentrate, until finally the nurse commanded me to get a handle on myself, but before I could, Roan was born.
Before it all began, the nurse directed Christine on how to do it. Push, like you’re having a bowel movement, she said, but keep your bottom half relaxed. I attempted this maneuver myself, as she was explaining it, but presently had to excuse myself. When I came back, Christine was well into it, and I found myself miming her. As she contracted and pushed and was all curled up like a cheese puff, so was I. As her veins popped out the side of her neck, so did mine. The only difference was this: she delivered a baby, me, a fart. But I took quick advantage and made that sort of peculiarly pursed face that signifies to any witness you’ve identified the perpetrator, and turned my glance suspiciously on Christine. Crisis averted.
What startled me the most was that Christine was instructed to reach down and pull Roan out herself. I thought, but she’s not qualified. But there was no hesitation, she grabbed down between her legs, and up came my son. It was a shock of immeasurable proportion, seeing nothing and then instantly a baby, that shot a yellow streak of elation up and down my spine. I could hardly contain my giddy, and pet his head. His skin was soft and squishy, like a ziplock filled with pudding, and pleasant to touch.
He actually came out somewhat purple at first and I thought, good Lord, she wasn’t kidding, she really did have an affair with Papa Smurf. But as his color returned my suspicion fleeted.
Now Roan is home and is behaving himself quite well. He has taken on my best quality, which is the shape of my foot. Really though, it’s not a foot, it’s a talon. The first time Christine saw my feet, she said they looked more like the claw of a koala. This is accurate, but I still think it’s more of a talon. My toes are gangly and shoot off in all directions, like a hat rack. But they come with the ability to pick items up off the ground, even the peskiest, like a penny from the kitchen floor. Not everyone can do this, but I can, and I think Roan will too.
Time is now crunched for me, as Roan has taken most of it from me. Amazingly, I have still found time for loquaciousness, but my workouts, now, must be even more concise.
I created the Kettlebell Workout of the Week with this object in mind, yet I never truly appreciated the gravity of the matter, because I never truly was crunched for time. But I am now. Goodness am I ever.
And so I put this post together as much for me, as for you. And if you are crunched for time, whether you be a parent or not a parent, I hope you find these workouts as useful as they are expedient.
[Special Offer: The best time-crunched workout I’ve ever made is The 9-Minute Workout. You can get it HERE, or sign up for the Inner Circle HERE, and get it for $14 less–but this offer expires in a few days)
5 Time-Crunched Workouts that Do It All
1. The 10,000 Rep Swing Challenge.
This is cumulative, of course–as nobody in their right mind would call 10,000 reps of anything expedient. I got this idea originally from Dan John, but have made a few modifications (see the video below for more). I did this today, racking up as many rounds as I could in 30 minutes.
2. Swing and Goblet Squat Mountain
This is a classic burner. Get down “the mountain” as many times as you can in 15 minutes, WITH GOOD FORM, GAH, GAH GAH!!
3. Cleans and Presses, Always Reliable.
A good and simple strength and power routine, right here. 1,2,3,1,2,3.
4. Practice Sets
Practice sets are when you take a movement (no more than two) and simply practice them for 15 minutes. The goal is to get in as many QUALITY sets as possible in the allotted time. I recommend sets of 1-3, no higher.
5. Clean to See-Saw to Squat
Exactly as stated. As many quality rounds in 15 minutes.
Some Announcements and Special Offers
1. The Chronicles of Strength Inner Circle
The newsletter this month features The 9-Minute Workout with some upgrades. CLICK HERE to get it now. (This offer will be gone forever at the end of this month).
This is the best workout I’ve ever made, and I want you to have it.
He’s what the most recent poster on my Facebook wall had to say about it:
“You sir are an evil genius. I did the 9 minute kettlebell routine this morning with a 16kg bell after a little bit of double bell strength training & it shredded me! Even my feet were sweating by the end, I didn’t even know feet could sweat! Bravo sir, bravo!”
Also for Inner Circle members this month, I am running a webinar with Dr. Kellyann Petrucci on high-performance Paleo Dieting. I think this will be very valuable for you all to hear. I am a large advocate of the Paleo Diet, but with some modifications. As well, too many have gone way overboard with all these Paleo treats. We will be talking about how best to tweak the Paleo Diet for a high-performance lifestyle (aka, the avid exerciser).
2. Share Your Favorite Time Crunched Workout…Win a Stuffed Beaver.
Some of my readers thought I was joking about giving away stuffed beavers for thoughtful comments. Then they got one in the mail.
Thanks to Tracy Seffers for sharing the pic!
If you’d like a shot at winning one of these pleasant little fellows, share your favorite time-crunched workout in the comment section.
Sam says
Yet another highly entertaining and enligtening post. Congrats on the baby, love his name!
Scott says
The videos do not seem to show up on the page ?
Scott says
Since I can see the videos could you explain your twist on the 10,000 swing challenge ?
ChrisP says
Congratulations on the new edition to the family! Thanks for another set of awesome workouts, these will come in handy cause I too am expecting a little out especially come December. But anyway I’m really digging the 9 – minute workout it is pretty devilish. It’s a good feeling to get such an rigorous workout in just a few. Keep it up Papa Pat!
Brad B. says
I’ve ripped of Dr. Jay’s 36:36 protocol from VWC and use it for swings. 36 seconds is too long of a rest period so I go 36:20. 20 swings in 36 seconds, 20 seconds rest. That’s 200 swings in 10 sets, which takes 10 minutes. I’ve done up to 1,000 two hand swings in 50 minutes. Currently using the 28k.
Rosie says
Congrats on the baby!! Your life will never be the same.
Question – when is Oct Inner Circle coming out? I signed up last week and still haven’t seen it. I know you were on baby watch but am just worried I missed it. I am looking forward to the 9 min workout!
Pat Flynn says
Hey Rosie, you must have signed up right after it was sent out–email me at PatFlynn@ChroniclesOfStrength.com and I’ll get that right out to you. Thanks!
Adam Vaughan says
What’s better than a good ol 5 minute burpee and pushup test
simple and a great way to start the day
As many reps as you can in 5 minutes
V
Dereck says
Good work man. Congratulations!
Clark says
Hey Pat, Congrats to you and your girl!
I like this workout when I’m pressed for time:
100 Yard Sprint
100 Yard Double KB Overhead Carry
100 Yard Sprint
100 Yard Double KB Racked Carry
100 Yard Sprint
100 Yard Double KB Suitcase Carry
100 Yard Sprint
100 2-hand KB Swings
Concetta says
Congrats to you and Christine! Love his name and your description of his birth. Have started my second week your 9 minute workout (4 days/week). Add a finisher and I’m done. Thanks for a great program. Hope you are getting some sleep.
Gerry DiNunzio says
Brother great workouts. If I do swings outside of class does that count towards my 10,000…and what’s with the tiger?
Pat Flynn says
Yep, honor system.
Victoria Kaus says
I got this time cruched practice from Keira Newton,Master RKC at DKB Fitness in Santa Fe, NM.
1 Goblet Squat
1 Hardstyle Push-up
10 Swings
2 G Sq.
2 H PU
10 swings
3 G Sq
3 H PU
10 Swings
And so on. work your way up to 5 reps of G Sq. & H PU
If you want to, you may work all the way up to 10 reps
The amount of swings stays the same.
Have you ever seen the movie “The Naked Gun” with Prisilla Presley and Leslie Nealson? There is a scene when she is climbing up the attic ladder, and he is below her when he says, “Nice beaver!” Then she passes him this enormous stuffed beaver. It’s kind of corny but I just love that movie!
Gerry DiNunzio says
Didn’t she reply “Thanks I just had it stuffed”. It Iis a great movie.
What’s a hard style push up? Sounds interesting.
Kelly S. says
Here’ a quick workout I like to do when I don’t have a lot of time, and need to get something good in quickly.
1 Mile Sprint as fast as you can (Preferably under 10 minutes)
immediately followed by
100 Kettle Bell Swings (Heaviest KB you have…I use a 70 lb) in less than 10 mins
immediately followed by
15 Jump Squats (A little cherry on top to the workout..haha)
The key to the difficulty/intensity of this workout is to do these one right after the other with little to no rest. I always time my workout(which I recommend), and then try and get a better time the next time I do it. A little way to keep my intensity up, and compete with myself a little.
It’s a tough, quick, effective workout!
arnie says
heres my get your motor running work out, 100 figure eights to ahold in 3:00 mins . 44lb bell. would you consider this metabolic conditioning.