5 Reasons You Should NEVER Train with Kettlebells

 

Here’s a quick run-down of how kettlebell training has been ruining my life–and a warning that “efficient, minimalist workouts that deliver rapid results” may negatively impact yours.

Despite what anyone says, there are, at a minimum, 5 reasons you should never train with kettlebells:

1. Kettlebell workouts are too short. What happened to the good ol’ days, when we could escape our spouses, children, friends, and, especially, our friends with children by heading to the gym for 3-hour long workout sessions? Remember how it was okay to not do the dishes because you were at the gym? Plus, I don’t HAVE other hobbies. Short workouts are for people who value things besides flexing in the gym mirrors and feeling inferior to Jen and Joey (who are flexing in the next mirror). What am I supposed to do now? Read a book? Meditate? Try my hand at acrylic portrait-painting? Cook nice meals for my family? Ain’t nobody want to have time for that!
2. Kettlebell workouts do not provide sufficient rest time for gym selfies, scrolling through InstaGram, or even checking the weather. I used to make Amazon purchases during my sets, but, ever since changing over to kettlebell training, I hardly even have the chance to make small chat with Charlie, who always wears headphones and acts uninterested in my hearing all of the things I know. Pat has been nudging me to grab his new book, but, if I can’t attend to it in front of the squat rack, then I really don’t see it happening for me.
3. Kettlebell training transfers to life functionality. This might, at first, appear to be a benefit. Let me nip that in the bud: There is substantial qualitative evidence that looking fit, performing well, and not being injured lead others to believe that you would be a useful “helper” in lots of terrible capacities. Buff, spry, healthy people are often recruited for activities like moving furniture, chopping wood, digging fences, and shoveling snow. Don’t let this happen to you. No one asks the overweight, hobbling, winded-just-from-standing-up guy to help them move the antique armoire from the attic! Consider THAT before your next training session!
4. Kettlebell training is too convenient. Just because you CAN do them at home, on vacation, or at work (20 seconds at a time, even) doesn’t mean you WANT to. It’s not fair. Barbell Betsy gets an excuse to skip her workout, but nooo, not us kettlebellers!
5. Kettlebell training lends itself to cultish behavior. It wasn’t long before I started talking about it a lot, judging everyone who didn’t train with kettlebells, and associating a little too exclusively with those who did. In fact, I stopped believing everything I saw on the cover of Women’s Health and began ignoring my friends’ new trendy workouts. Instead, I posted in Pat Flynn’s Secret Group on Facebook, and I looked to others in the community to inspire, motivate, and challenge me. Those weirdos even post videos for others to provide helpful critiques! We can’t allow this type of positivity to infiltrate our lives. It’s unnatural. Avoid it at all costs.

I think that sums up the Top 5.

Has anyone else had equally terrible experiences?

Compliments from strangers?

Having to buy new pants because your old ones don’t even stay up with a belt?

Not getting to buy new sneaks because you can’t seem to wear out your old ones since training barefoot?

Ugh. The miseries of training with kettlebells.

Want to join the pity party? Post your sob-story below!

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While you’re bringing up all those buried offenses, here’s a quick, bodyweight workout for ya.

….wait a second…bodyweight training offers its own detriments centered on convenience and efficiency….

Let’s ignore that for now.

5-Minute SWEATY

20 x air squat;

10 x plyo lunge, alternating (5 each side);

5 x burpee (modified to low-impact or sprawl);

5 x push-up (decreasing 1 rep each round);

Repeat, starting over with 5 push-ups if you make it through 5 rounds within the 5 minutes.

 

P.S. If you want to be part of the Pat Flynn cult, you can always join the secret group. Further, if you want to replace your ill-guided health magazine, you can always just join Pat’s email list through this link.